Friday, 10 February 2012
This seems to be one of the immutable truths of being a love addict – yesterday, I found myself feeling myself sucked into the ooze of a beautiful man. He's a friend and, being gay, is totally unavailable to me. The difficult thing is we share a genuine connection – emotionally, intellectually, psychically – and that's the rub with this illness. I'm aware that this attraction puts me in a very similar position to the one I was in as a three year-old, with a father who had lost his wife, but replaced her with me. So I was his confidante and we were well matched I thought – in my vulnerable little three year-old mind I was his new wife. The result, all these years down the track is that men I am attracted to (especially when vulnerable) are usually unavailable, as per this last episode.
But, you know, these days I'm aware that the ooze is just a phantom, a throw-back to the past. I can just be in this wonderful man's company, knowing that the attraction isn't about today’s reality. Today I can just enjoy our genuine connection.